Nov.5. How am I taking the responsibility? November 5, 2007
Posted by impetusm in Question of the WEEK.trackback
This week inshalah I am going to work on making things better with family members and show some real love. 
1. Ask everyone in the family how good is your relationship with them?
If you can’t ask them for some reason ask yourself how are you doing with each family member at the house?
Your family member will tell you very interesting things at the same time even if they do not show it, they will be flattered. Because how often do you have a family member come up to you and ask you how can they improve their relationship with you ?
Narrated By ‘Abdullah: Allah’s Apostle said:
“Everyone of you is a guardian and is responsible for his charges. The ruler who
has authority over people, is a guardian and is responsible for them, a man is a guardian of his FAMILY and is responsible
for them; a woman is a guardian of her husband’s house and children and is responsible for them; a slave (‘Abu) is a
guardian of his master’s property and is responsible for it; so all of you are guardians and are responsible for your charges.”
Hadith 730 (Shahi Bukhari)
it is wonderful you do such ablog , I am in shock I stumbled on such a thing , it is hard to find people who care about selfdevelopmet , have you heard of the landmark course ? you would defintly like it , if what you are appearing on this blog is true .
I have the same thing with my familly , I am working on making a bond with them and trying to improve the relationship , also to get them to love allah their lacking in that .
Yes, mashahAllah the brother is doing a great job. May Allah give us the towfeeq to do the same (aameen). The hadith quoted above reminds us that the father is the shepherd over his family, protecting them, providing for them, doing their tarbiyyah: teaching them adab and deen. The mother is the shepherd over the house, guarding it and engendering in it the wholesome, loving environment that is necessary for a happy and healthy family life. Then as the parents age, it becomes the responsibility of elder siblings to guide and educate their younger siblings.
SubhanAllah it is alarming and equally tragic to see an increasing number of disfunctional families.Regardless of how the family interacts and engages with its members, and irrespective of their religion (or lack, thereof), the love and benevolent treatment required to show them is second only to the obedience due to Allah subhana wata3ala. But the inevitable perpetual disputation and fighting, between husband and wife/siblings/parents and children has lead to a complete family breakdown. Even inside home-sweet-home, its every man for himself. Forgiveness appears to be the only possible means of reconciliation.
Forgiving our family members is a core task of adulthood, and one of the most crucial kinds of forgiveness. Our families are first people with whom we converse, with whom we develop our first relationship, and then with relatives, friends, colleagues and spouses. When we feel rejected by a family member and have remained in that state, we will inevitably feel rejected by other persons in our lives as well. So letting our families off the hook is the first step towards happiness, self acceptance, self worth and maturity. So let’s start a new chapter in our lives, chapter that ignores all caviling and cankerous family castigation.
Things to do…
1. Resolve resentment: Nursing resentments towards a family member does more than keep that member in the doghouse. I get stuck there, too, forever the child, the victim, the have-not in the realm of love. Strange as it may seem, a grudge is a kind of clinging, a way of not separating, and when we hold a grudge against a family member, we are clinging not just to them, but more specifically to their disfavourable trait. It’s as if we don’t want to live our life until we have this resolved and feel the security of their unconditional love. We do this for good reasons psychologically. But the result is just the opposite, we stay locked into the bitterness and we don’t grow up.
2. Develop realistic expectations: The sins of a family member are among the most difficult to forgive. We expect the world of them, and we do not wish to lower our expectations. Decade after decade, we hold out the hope, often unconsciously, that they will finally do right by us. We want them to own up to all their misdeeds, to apologize, to make heartfelt pleas for our forgiveness. We want our families to embrace us, to tell us they know we are good kids with great potential, to undo the favoritism they’ve shown to others, to take back their hurtful criticisms, to give us their praise. But we know this unlikely in the near future. Tough yes, but that’s life.
3.Hold on to the good: Most families love each other. But no family member is perfect, which means that everyone has childhood wounds.
4. Foster true separation: To forgive is not to condone the bad things a family member has done. It’s not to deny their selfishness, their rejections, their meanness, their brutality, or any of the other misdeeds, character flaws, or limitations that may attach to them. It is to stop seeing ourselves as a child who depends on them for emotional well-being, to stop being their victims, to recognize that we are adults with some capacity to shape our own life and the responsibility to do so.
Bonus Tip…
Although families are supposed to be a mutual relationship of give and take, it seems some members only take while others frequently sacrifice and give. The takers are impossible to deal with. They are demanding and expect things be given to them on a silver platter. Still they feel they deserves more and won’t be happy until it’s given to them. The best family relationships are a combination of give and take. Even if one personality is more dominant, or childish, that member needs to compromise and give in at times. The submissive member needs to assert their needs and desires as well. Being taken advantage of is not fun.
If you do find that you’re comfortable being the giver, be sure that your needs are being met and that you are appreciated for all you do, otherwise, you might experience resentment down the line. Sharing tasks around the house and with the kids or relatives can help bring balance.
If you happen to be the taker, be sure to let your family members know how much you appreciate everything they do. Surprise them with gifts, by doing something special for them, or by spending quality time with them. Become the giver for a while and experience life from the other side. Sharing tasks around the house and with your parents and siblings can help bring balance. If you are a giver and feel that that your needs are being met and that you are not being appreciated for all you do, patiently and happily continue the good. In the final analysis, it is between you and Allah. It was never between you and them anyway.
typo: If you are a giver and feel that that your needs are *NOT* being met and that you….^